Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
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me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
#Caturday
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
🙁
I enjoy a good short stor
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.