My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.
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Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine