Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
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*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
calling in to work dehydrated
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to