me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?”
mum: “what’s that son?”
me: “if someone pre-chewed my food”
This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.
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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.