@ToneLoaf

This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.

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@JohnLyonTweets

My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.

@iamspacegirl

my son kept whispering “perfect sandwich” over and over while he made a sandwich and now he won’t even let me try it

@NotthatAdamWest

“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”

@Token_Geezer

It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones

I had to show my contempt by grunting

@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@Dwarven_Cleric

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

@MenHumor

Nothing says I have faith in god like the six inches of bullet proof glass on the popes car.

@AimeeHelene1

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

@Parkerlawyer

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine