This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.

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[tv commercial]
me: “know what i’d love for breakfast?”
mum: “what’s that son?”
me: “if someone pre-chewed my food”
narrator: “porridge”


How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?


My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix


My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn’t 20 … And in college.


I used humor as a defense mechanism.

Also bear traps.

You can’t be too careful.


Her: About last night, please understand that wasn’t me… that was the wine.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: Do you have a phone number for that wine?


My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.