I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I laughed at this way too hard.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.