Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
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For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?