This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
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My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting