“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
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You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
Who does Amazon think I am?
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Ain’t no way
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
vader: i am your father!
luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes
vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?
luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much
vader: i swear, i nev-
luke: you make me sick