This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.