Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
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relationship goals
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
The funk soul brother
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess