This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
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[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
I am all good here, 😂😉
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never