Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*first day as getaway driver

“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat

friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Nice try, NASA

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?

Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.

Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.

Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.

Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

[inventing baby carrots] kids hate vegetables but they LOVE choking

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.

*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*

My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.

I was putting on my shoes.

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.

So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems