@tarashoe: this month's full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn't be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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@mrjohndarby: Father in law: How are you preparing for the future? Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
@CantWaitToNap: Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?” Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
@Leemanish: HOW TO JOG: 1. Put on jogging outfit. 2. Go outside. 3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street. 4. Try to milk that cow.