this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
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Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!