this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
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After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week