This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
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BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan