this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
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The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I am also baked goods
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon