This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
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What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm