This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
Autocarrot sucks!
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?