This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
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If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”