BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
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Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you