My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.