This morning my wife woke me with those 3 little words everyone loves to hear:

“Where’s the plunger?”

You Might Also Like


I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.



RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*


People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.


I don’t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids’ history textbooks.


I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.

– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house


I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars


Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.


there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture


You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did


[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men