This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
screw you
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
My Guy
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do