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Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
become ungovernable
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*