ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
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[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Some people were born into their job.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.