@Harbinger_one

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

- @Harbinger_one

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@BigJDubz

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

@ThatRascalPuff

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

@Darlainky

Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.

@jonnysun

[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD

@hazelmotes1

Dating tip: if you want a girl to hold you tight, start pushing her off a cliff.

@

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@junejuly12

No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.

@markedly

Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”

@tartadepollo

I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.

@Gupton68

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé