This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
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I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.