@RachelNoise

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

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@RedRegenerated

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

@maxi_tea

No wonder chickens can’t fly

STOP EATING THEIR WINGS

@Sassafrantz

[texting]
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.

me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.

@caleb_driedger

CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?

CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!

CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!

@anne_theriault

We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”

@causticbob

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

@GuyBreakup

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

@ojedge

[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”

@looktothepickle

Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people