This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
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If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Not all heroes wear capes….
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions