Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
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No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
ex: your friends were looking at me really strange at the game.
me: yeah well I told them you died in a hot air balloon accident.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
Got a cut on my arm, someone on Facebook sent me healing vibes and PRESTO! two weeks later the cut fully healed this is not a joke people
I’m old enough to remember being the tv remote.