Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.