This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

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I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.


I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.


Wife: the baby needs changing

Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her


WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?


If Reese Witherspoon doesn’t call her poop “Reese’s Feces” she’s missing out on a clear opportunity to be awesome.


[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*


*horse throws the 1st punch*


Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.


*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”


In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.


*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?