This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
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Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Bed should get ready for ME
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.