ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[the middle of showering] I need a break
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.