This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
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Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Real House Wines.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
“you changed” bro i was 15
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.