Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
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Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails