This oatmeal tastes like I’m gonna need a doughnut.

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You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.


Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?


Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.


Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda



Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.


1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air

2) Name it Fresh Prints

3) Make millions

4) Move to West Philadelphia


My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.


If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did


HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me


Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret