@Los1001111

This oatmeal tastes like I’m gonna need a doughnut.

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@novicefather

You say my obsession with Justin Bieber tore us apart but I say my momma don’t like you and she likes everyone.

@SergioValenCo

Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?

@PolishWonder79

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.

@cbdoubleu

Wife: I lost my day planner.

Me: Not in your briefcase?

W: No. I looked EVERYWHERE.

M: Well it looks like you’ve got a hidden agenda

W:

@1evilidiot

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

@Mikecanrant

1) Open a Kinkos style office supply store in Bel Air

2) Name it Fresh Prints

3) Make millions

4) Move to West Philadelphia

@underrateDad

My super power is picking up all the laundry in one arm then bending over for 5 minutes picking up that one sock that keeps falling out.

@pleatedjeans

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

@awkwardphilippe

HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me

@Browtweaten

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret