This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
You Might Also Like
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I’m a bad influence on myself.