@WilliamAder

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

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@comotethomas

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

@Mom_Overboard

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

@goldengateblond

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

@RobDenBleyker

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”

@LindaInDisguise

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@gavinpivott

I was in a flash mob once. We’d mainly just hold people at gunpoint until they updated their Adobe.