@WilliamAder

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

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@Sarcasticsapien

I’m throwing a party and it should be fantastic. I bought three bottles of vodka, made a great music playlist, and didn’t invite any people.

@causticbob

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

@JermHimselfish

“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event

@IamEnidColeslaw

my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon

@joshfadem

Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.

@MCaparco

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

@KeetPotato

[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen

@SamGirlSunday

If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.

@SadPeruna

“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application

@JonasPolsky

I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.