1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.
this old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”
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Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.