@rudy_betrayed

this old lady came to the bank i work at to withdraw $10. i told her that for withdraws less than $100 she has to use the atm. so she asked to withdraw $1000 in $10 bills. it sucked but i counted it out and handed her the money. she took $10, gave me $990 and said “deposit this”

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@rolldiggity

1. Hide babies all over house.
2. If a kid asks, “Where do babies come from?” laugh, “Where DON’T they come from!” and open every cabinet.

@curlycomedy

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.

@dmroberts1000

Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’

Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet

@ChaseMit

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this

@marinhubka

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

@causticbob

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”

@TraciGrrl

If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?

@Im_Tricia

I wish there was a way to tell if this guy is being nice to me because he likes me or if it’s just because he’s Canadian.

@Parkerlawyer

My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.