Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
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Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
I would move hell over six inches for you
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Love it! 👍😂
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.