This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
When ur friends with white people
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?