Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
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Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
*whispers to businessman sleeping next to me on bus*
Sleep tight precious angel
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film.
Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.
My tax dollars pay for those public school proms. I’m going to them.
Elevator is broken. Had to use the other one. #firstworldproblems
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.