No, YOUR illiterate.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
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my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Mom: What is taking so long?!
14 year old boy in the bathroom: DEBATE PREP
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.