This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

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a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend


Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?


If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”


Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin


I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.


PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.


Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.


Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.