@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

You Might Also Like

@meaghano

a tropical storm BEARING MY MOTHER’S NAME is heading for the beach where my dad is supposed to get married this weekend

@doublewenis

Hey…quick question, fellas:

Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?

@Try2StopME

If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”

@brynnester

Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS
Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin

@TheCatWhisprer

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

@OkigboXL

PSA: Don’t EVER let your printer know that you’ve waited until the last minute to print something out and you’re in hurry because they can sense fear.

@JamieLinks

Have decided Twitter is like a good grandma. Makes dirty jokes, complains a lot, corrects your grammar, tells you who has died.

@ObscureGent

Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.