@SirEviscerate

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

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@markydoodoo

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

@aelfred_D

Mom: What is taking so long?!

14 year old boy in the bathroom: DEBATE PREP

@Darlainky

<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.

@JohnLyonTweets

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

@carlyken

husband: we should role play tonight

me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad

husband: huh, that’s oddly specific

me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it

@Scdavis24

I just found a piece of pizza in my trash can. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN!! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING!!

@jazmasta

[emergency room]
“We need to put pressure on the wound!”
[to wound] We’ve been together 6 months now, I think we should move in together”