This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
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What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
“What movie?” 🤔
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.