#parenting
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Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea