this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Imma just leave this here…………
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Something Saturday.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!