I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
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Star Wars has given me unrealistic expectations of who my father is.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Me: what is my final challenge
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO