“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.