Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
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The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
[dont let him know you’re a sponge]
Waitress: *spills drink on table*
GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Be the reason they create new laws.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
this lipgloss is called mcdonalds hash brown
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.