This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.

That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.

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Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”

Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”


The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.


[dont let him know you’re a sponge]

Waitress: *spills drink on table*

GERONIMO *bellyflops on table* SPRAY SOME CLEANER I GOT THIS oh damn


Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder


I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.


*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.


Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?

If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.


Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.