this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
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Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.