Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
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I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
A lion would never cheat on his wife. But a Tiger Wood.
sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff
Me: What do you think about that?
5 minutes later