*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up