This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.

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[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*


Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.


To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.


My husband always knows I got my period by how I wear white dresses and twirl in fields, then swing for hours and hours while laughing.


Her: What do you do?
Me: I drill for oil.
G: That sounds interesting.
M: No, it’s really…
H: Don’t do it, I’ll leave
M:…just boring


Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach


{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!