this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
this is uni
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.