“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
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[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.