This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
I used to think the key to small talk was always having something to say (difficult) but now I think the key is being genuinely relaxed and putting people at ease (very difficult).
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you