This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Webb. James Webb.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.