This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping