This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
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My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I wish I were this cool 😂
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I put the hot in psychotic.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
How did we not see this back then?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.