This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
*Seductively hides in the woods
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is