This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Rooting for the overdog
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.